"70% of in-laws don't like each other. Rest 30% are good actors ;)"
Though there are many 'in-law' relationship, I will restrict to the most interesting and notorious relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in law alone.
We all say that this is a male dominated world. It is true too. But there is one area where it is female dominated. Where else? It is in maintaining Family relationship. Family head is a male just for a sake. Men as they age, kind of stop dealing the family related issues (it is the most complex issue). [If you are going to say "No, It is not the case in my family". I am simply going to reply "Yours is an exception". Even my family is an exception :)]Lets move to the next family issue.
Right or wrong, we are having a social system where a girl who was living in a system for 20+ years is suddenly unplugged and plugged into another system with completely different setup after an event called marriage. Foreign agent in a system will always lead to chaos. [Multi Agent System students can elaborate more :)].
Got the picture?
A woman who has lot of powers vested with her gets an additional post called 'Mother- in-law'. Another woman with lot of confusions steps into a family to create more confusions. Though ppl utter this sentimental dialogue "you are like my daughter", they are called 'Daughter-in-law' to indirectly say "you are not my daughter"
"Karthik. You are a male chauvinist. Not all in laws have a strained relationship. I know in laws who live like mother-daughter" Please read the first line again. They are just good actors.So having set the ground that in-laws will always have some problem between them, let us see what could be the reasons for that. There are many. Each one of use have a lot of stories in our own families. There are plenty of reasons to develop hatred. But I feel, everything boils down to 2 root causes.
1. Mother's possessiveness towards son. They just don't know how to react when another girl is asking for a share. Biological curse erases the fact from their memory that they are (/were) also a daughter in law to another women.There is another peculiar problem in a family with boy and girl. Usually Mothers show a lot of love towards her son than daughter. But this is only till both of them get married (I am yet to experiment this in my home since all my sisters are married and my mother shows lot of love towards me till now. Have to wait and see). Comparison done between the daughter-in-law and daughter is a major cause for problem again all because of the possessiveness problem.
2. For the girl, it is a complete change in lifestyle. The girl has to adapt right from wake up time to dinner time of that family. Some eat lunch at 2PM, some at 12 noon. Some families don't eat breakfast at all and some family eat 4 times a day. Which chore to share with mother-in-law? How much tamarind to be added for Sambar? Am I allowed to wear night dress during day time too? My mother in law maintains a shabby kitchen. Hooooof. Complete mismatch
So what can be done to solve this problem? First of all, can it be solved at all? Is there any desired solution that is defined? Lot of questions before us.
For sure, we can't ask people to change. There is no point in asking too. But we can at least try to change the system and increase the actors percentage from 30 to say, 70.
The probability of in-laws fighting decreases as their proximity decreases. [Who is going to write a mathematical model for this? :P].
So whats the suggestion from my side? "Karthik. Wait wait. I got it. Are you going to suggest atomic family? Don't you know the importance of nuclear family? Isn't it good for children to grow under the care of grand parents? Who will take care of the parents who have been taking care of us these many years?"
Come on. Atomic families need not be 10000 kms apart meeting once in a decade. They can be in the same city too. Why not, in adjacent streets too.
As soon as a boy gets married, he should be made to stay in a separate house with his wife. Let the couples visit both their houses during weekends, festivals etc. Let the children spend the entire vacation with their grand parents.
If one needs the help of other, say, a working daughter-in-law needs her mother-in-law's help to take care of children or an ailing mother-in-law needs the care of her daughter-in-law, both the families can live together during that time. Now won't there be a problem?. Simple. When people become dependent, they won't create problems.
Making the in-laws to stay at a 'handshaking distance' will avoid 'hair-holding fights' :)
I am pretty much open to your comments and especially suggestions. After all, your inputs may help me too :P
8 comments:
What you say is absolutely true! After marriage the couple should be allowed to stay seperate , i hae seen many daughter-in-laws suffering because of this.
-Rupa
Very complex topic Karthik, as you rightly said every family has a different reason to give and they think that is the main reason. Relationship of any kind and their involvements are complicated. So, a better choice should be left between the two people :P
Dude,
Consider the case of parents who have already separated from their families and its the time for their children to get married???
Wont they need company and care 24/7 when they are old. As our parents grow older we need to treat them like children. Just like small children cant stay alone old ppl also cannot
@Siddarth
You are correct machi. The typical age at which parents need 24/7 care in during 60s. Most of the parents will be in their late 40s or early 50s while their children get married. So there is buffer 10 yrs where there are heavy chances for pblms to get created.
If that happens, then even if your parents are gng to have bed rest, your wife is never going to stay with them. Once broke, it is broken for ever.
As is said in my post, if the parents need the help of children, they can come together. I have also mentioned that since one becomes dependent, they won't create many problems.
Swalpa aarama post a oodhu maga :)
fantastic Karthik. First time I enjoyed your post without any opposition or difference of opinion (just trying to be honest :D) Am not saying others are bad but I may have had contradictions.
seems that u have plans of going separately and this msg is to your parents ;-)
well if you think living separate prevents clashes I may not agree completely because MIL demands are beyond boundaries, N miles will never be a hindrance to them. I have seen many households that MIL asking the DIL what to cook, how much qty, cups of rice, counts of veggies etc over phone. am not exaggerating, its a fact.
things will anyways go down, the reason is the girl is exposed and gotten used to that family. she is the only 1 more flexible than expected. nice write up. woman r in nature adept in change mgmt. :-)
@Archana
//this msg is to your parents ;-)//
my father is very clear that I should be separate
Yeah I agree that MIL demands are beyond boundaries. "innikku enna dress potta? iyyo andha color podava nalla irukkadhe". Some MILs go to this extent of intervention.
when the DIL starts hearing EVERYTHING and follow NOTHING without saying ANYTHING, the MILs will realise that they are speaking to a wall and stop intervening for EVERYTHING (konjam TR vaada veesudho? :P)
kalyanathuku apram thani kudithananma...kalakku karthik...
@subhashini
kalyaanathukku munnadiye vechukkaren na enga appa othukka maattendrar :P
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