Why (modern) arranged marriages fail?

Slow rate of decrease of men domination and high rate of increase of (pseudo) women liberation is a common factor for the increased failure of both love and arranged marriages! Discussing about that common factor is not the intent of this post.

 First of all, why do love marriages fail? What is positively said about love marriages is that the girl and boy already  get to know about each other and so they form a 'Perfect Match'. Even then, why do love marriages fail? Leave the cases where the trouble is created by some external forces. There are good amount of love marriage failures because of the mis-understanding between husband and wife. The whole idea behind love marriage, i.e 'Understanding' is in a shake.



Yes, the boy and girl 'get to know' about each other when they love. But what do they get to know is a big question.  Most of the lovers project only their positive side when they love. So the misunderstanding after marriage is because of 'not enough understanding' before marriage.

"Ok fine Karthik. The topic is about arranged marriage. But you are discussing about Love marriage???"

Yes I am coming to the topic now. The same problem, 'not enough understanding' has crept  into arranged marriages too. 'Pre marriage flirting' is what I am referring to. This started even before cell phone penetration. That time 'cordless phones' were helping. After the penetration of mobile phones, there is a multi-fold increase in flirting. (First of all, is it right to call the telephonic conversation between 'would be' husband and wife as flirting?). Getting the phone numbers and talking over phone (between engagement and marriage) is approved by parents (though with some murmurs).

A month back, I boarded Mysore-Chennai (via Bangalore,Kanchipuram) bus at Bangalore. The person in the next seat was a girl (I am still surprised how they allotted a male and female in adjacent seats. What was more surprising is that most of the seats in that bus were allotted in the same manner. Something wrong!).

She was already over phone. After hearing a minute of her conversation (things falling on our ears without our consent is not overhearing ;) ), I understood that she was talking with her future (who can assure about future?) husband. With more hearing, I realised that she is talking with him since she boarded her bus (at Mysore). Since I was not very comfortable in having a lady at the next seat (u know? I am a gentleman :P), I was not able to sleep comfortably. I was awake at least till the bus was crossing Vaniambadi (100 kms from Bangalore) and she was talking till then. When I left the bus at Kanchipuram, she was sleeping. So I am not sure, when they completed. Hope all of you have heard such conversations with ENTROPY = 0 :)

"Karthik, their phone, their battery, their money, their life. What's your problem?"

See I can't be selfish not thinking about others ;)

Just like lovers chat where only positives are projected, even in these Pre marriage flirting, only positives are projected both by the man and woman. She will try to project herself as a a best woman a family can get, so adjustable, so caring blah blah blah. He will try to project himself as an intelligent person, hero, highly humorous, person FOR women liberty blah blah blah.

When he/she sees the reality after marriage, which will definitely be different from what they were thinking, full disappointment. What is worse was the guy's projection about his mother as a caring lady who will treat his fiance as her daughter which will definitely be considered false by that girl after marriage (To know more, read 'in_laws'). If they think more and more about that disappointment, it will get bigger and bigger, thereby ending up in failure.



The idea behind pre (arranged) marriage conversations is to add the positive of love marriage (i.e understanding before marriage) to arranged marriage. The transition after marriage (esp for girls) will be somewhat smooth when they already have an idea about the better half's likes, dislikes, family etc. But when it becomes over-dosage, then it will definitely add the negative of love marriage also (i.e not enough understanding).

What is the moral? "Adakki Vaasi"


P.S: There is a bit of selfishness in this post. If some one see me doing too much of Pre marriage flirting after my engagement, please remind me about this post. Thanks in advance! ;)

2 hrs at Tirupathi Bus Stand

I had been to Tirupathi last weekend for tonsuring and ear boring ceremony of my nephew. Since I had a bad experience during my last visit to Tirupathi  in getting tickets back to Bangalore I did advance booking in Airavat volvo bus this time.  
(Snippet from the blog I posted in Mar 2010: We Bangloreans had a tough time in catching a Bangalore bus. As you all know, there is always a Black ticket option. We payed extra Rs.80/- per ticket and got seat in KSRTC bus)

Tirupathi-Bangalore bus I booked was scheduled to start at 4PM (Sunday, Sep 26, 2010). I reached bus stand at 2:45 PM itself and waited in the platform meant for KSRTC buses to Bangalore. 

"Karthik, stop stop! Then the blog title should have been 1:15 hours at Tirupathi Bus stand  right?"

You will get answer for this question in the later part of this post. 

In bus stand there is no other way to pass time than to just observe people present around us. My primary focus was on a Third gender person who had dressed up like a lady (Please stop your dirty imaginations my dear fellows [:P]). I would like to call that person as "XLady" or "(H)She"  from now on. (Sorry if a social reformer considers this a wrong way of calling them). 

I believe (h)she is a niche player in the beggar market of that bus stand :). She gets money only from people seated in ultra deluxe or volvo buses. This is what I was seeing. Whenever a Garuda (A/C) or Rajahamsa bus comes to platform and passengers board the bus, she gets into the bus, clap hands (you know how loud their clap will be) in each seat and demand money. After getting money from a bus, she sits outside a "pay and use toilet" and groups the collection based on denomination and keeps it in her hand bag (you all know that those people collect lot of currency notes while the usual beggars find it difficult even to get coins). She chats with that pay and use toilet in-charge till the next volvo or ultra deluxe comes. I saw her repeating this cycle for at least 8 buses (but no Airavat bus came to platform till then). 

Well she was just helping my eyes pass the time. For mouth?? I had an old friend of mine to chat with. "Old friend??"  Yes it is the black ticket wala (BT wala) from whom I got ticket during my last Tirupathi visit. Have a look at snippets of the conversation I had with him (It actually happened in Thamizh)

BT wala (as usual):  Bangalore a sir? You need tickets?

Karthik (with a smile) : Anna, this time I have my tickets reserved. If I had not, I would have directly come to you

BT wala (with surprise): You visit here regularly? When did you get tickets from me?

(I told him the history)

.

.

(He started confessing, but in a casual way without any regret in his tone)

BT wala: What to do sir? I was working in court as peon. I got suspended 10 years before because of my mis-behavior. I will stop this black ticket work in some more days as I am going to get appointment in court again. But one thing sir. Money got illegally will not stay with us. I earn Rs.400/- per day on average. I give 100Rs for my family, spend 100 Rs for my food outside and 200 Rs for drinks. I have not saved any money. Today I already got 300 Rs, drank for 250Rs, had full meals, nothing much in hand.

(We had more discussions about black ticket profession like bribe for police every day, different kind of customers he met etc etc.) 

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.
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Karthik: Will that Xlady get into Airavat A/C bus also and ask for money? (Though I knew that she will, I was expecting a "No" from him just for the sake of my relief)

BTwala: Of course, (h)she will get into all the luxury buses. You know? (H)She earns minimum 1000 Rs (after giving bribe to police) every day in bus collection itself. 

I decided not to board the bus until that Xlady completed her collection in the bus I am going to board. I definitely didn't want to give money and at the same time I had no guts to deny in front of her. You all know (at least guys will know) what those people will do if we say that we won't give money.


It was 3:45PM and the BTwala took his leave and I was waiting for the bus in that platform. 4PM, 4:15PM, 4:25PM..and finally an Airavat bus to Bangalore reached platform. Cursing Indian standard (delayed) time, I went near the bus and asked conductor if it was 4 o clock Bangalore bus. He told that 4 o clock bus left and it is 5 o clock bus. He took me to the KSRTC time keeper (Till then I never knew that there was a time keeper sitting in a corner).


Conversation with Time keeper (It actually happened in Kannada)

Karthik: Sir I am waiting here since 2:45 PM. No Bangalore Airavat bus came to platform till 4PM

Time Keeper: Don't play drama. You came late, missed the bus and now putting blame on us, is it? No bus goes without coming to platform. 

He literally started shouting at me. After a stage I couldn't argue. So I started requesting him for some other arrangement. He arranged a seat in Rajahamsa (non-AC). Since he arranged seat in at least some other bus, I thanked him and boarded a Rajahamsa bus which started from Tirupathi at 4:45PM (Got the 2 hr count?[:)]). 


But I could not digest the allegation that I missed a bus, being so early to bus stand and that too didn't move anywhere away from platform. I was completely puzzled.


The Rajahamsa conductor was curious to know my story. After telling him what happened, he told me that the 4 o' clock Airavat is a bus to Belgaum which goes via Bangalore. 


OMG! After hearing that, the puzzle got solved and the plot became clearer.




<~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flashback

3:30PM

I heard engine start sound and it was an Airavat (in parking place which was approx. 100 metres away from platform). 

Though the BTwala told that the bus will come to platform, I was curious and so went near the bus (it was a bus to Belgaum via Bangalore) and asked the driver if it was 4 o' clock Bangalore bus. He told "No".  I was not aware that the final destination of the bus I booked was Belgaum. If I had known, I would have asked him if it was 4 o' clock Belgaum bus.


But I didn't just go with the answer of driver. I was waiting for that bus to come to platform and thought of inquiring again if it left the platform at 4PM. But the bus left directly from the parking lot at 3:45PM itself without even coming to platform. So I convinced myself that it was not the bus I had booked.


Flashback Over 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>


Now after hearing from the Rajahamsa conductor that it was the bus I had booked, I can't stop myself from cursing the Airavat driver for saying a "No", for leaving the bus stand without coming to platform and I can't stop myself from badly cursing the time keeper for trying to hide his mistake by blaming me. I realised that his generosity of arranging a seat for me in Rajahamsa was to just shut my mouth.


Getting cheated is not something new for me ;). But this was the first time I took so long to realize that I was cheated. 


Definitely, I can never forget those 2 hrs at Tirupathi bus stand!



Note: I have sent a grievance mail to KSRTC and NOT expecting any reaction from them :)